Evan Dorkin (evandorkin) wrote,
Evan Dorkin

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The H.O.F. Holiday Gift Goad (Or, Pay Attention, You Cheap Bastards)

At a loss for a gift this holiday season? Screwing over friends and family and buying crap just for yourself? Bad with your money in general and need to splurge on something pointless to help bloat your credit card bills? Dirt poor and reckless?

We could care less what your situation is, really. We just want to point out that a lot of our comics-related junk is still available from SLG Publishing and you could still spend your goddam money on it if you had half a brain. And maybe you'd get it in time for whatever stupid holiday it is you put up with

Here's the crap, in case you don't remember the last ten times I mentioned we made this stuff, you cheap, lazy bastards and so called fans:

The Fucking Incredible Milk and Cheese Vinyl Figure Set

Fuck being humble. This toy set kicks ass, and your ass should be kicked for not buying it. And to those out there bitching about the set being "too expensive", up yours with something sharp and jagged, two times every other Tuesday from here on in. You annoy us. Two large figures, three accessories, all-original nifty-ass art on every side of the box and a new comic strip on the back for extra kicks -- all for less than a lot of uppity asshole "urban vinyl"  outfits charge for a single ugly piece of crap figure some no-talent rip-off "artist" came up with in thirty seconds. Do you know what small press, limited run vinyl toys go for? That aren't death-dealing, lead-bearing cheap garbage from a Chinese sweatshop factory? Sure, these beauties were manufactured in China, but we tested them for lead and they're okay, sure, you betch'a. Your stupid kids can suck on 'em until the cows come home, if that's how you raise your stupid kids. Jesus. Stop complaining and pony up. You want these, you need these, you lack these. Stop being so annoying and step up. Don't be left wanting. be a have, not a have not. Have nots suck.

The Pretty-Fucking Great Milk and Cheese Beer Mug Set

What need be said? You drink, right? You don't cup shit in your hands, you're not a goddam ape, right? You need a portable container of some sort to hold liquids. Right? I said, right? Don't give me that bullshit about already having jelly jars or stolen pint glasses or dixie cups or whatever chintzy garbage you've been sloshing the Boone's Farm Apple Wine into while you contemplate suicide. Everything in your cupboard sucks to high heaven -- you know it, I know it, we all know it. Your shit is boring. What to do? How to improve your meager surroundings and revive your sense of well-being? Upgrade, my good people, upgrade to greatness. Say it with me, brothers and sisters: Beer. Mugs. Beer mugs. These beer mugs. Milk and Cheese beer mugs. Both bad boys can be yours for less than some numb-nuts know-nothing charges for their ugly crap on Cafe Press. Now go, go get the credit card out or steal some cash from your parents or roommate or whatever it is you cohabit with. I guess you can't steal from the cat. But you can sell the cat. For these pretty-fucking great beer mugs. Which hold beer. Beer to drink. Beer for you to drink. I rest my case.

The New Milk Shirt. Yes, That's The Whole Description. Shut Up.

I don't know why SLG couldn't get a decent fucking picture of an actual shirt with the design on it. This looks like some Underoos proposal sketch from 1978 or something. Jesus. Whatever. It's another god-damned winner. Unless it isn't. But who are you to complain? Shut up, you. This shirt is what you need. Unless you need pants, and there I can't help you. And there I don't want to help you. Ugh. Put some pants on before you buy this shirt.  But whatever you do, buy this shirt. "But where's Cheese?", I pretend I hear you asking. And to this, I reply, "Shut up". And then I add, "the companion Cheese shirt comes out soon, don't you worry, we've thought of everything". Speaking of thinking of everything, here's an idea: Buy one of each design, then you and a friend or relative or total stranger with no class can wear them both and walk around side-by-side, quoting Milk and Cheese lines at the top of your lungs and pretending you're comical and acting like complete imbeciles while impressing no one. Your parents will disown you, people will avoid you, it's what you deserve. Hurry, hurry, hurry and fulfill the prophecy before that total stranger gets away and you have to wear both shirts and do all the heavy lifting by yourself when idiot playtime comes around.

The Head-Scratchingly Popular Milk and Cheese "Merv Griffin" Poster

Look, I never got the deal with this strip, to be honest. I don't even really like it very much. Despite that, you should buy this old poster because it is FUCKING ROYAL IN IT'S AWESOME BADNESS. And only ten bucks.

The Milk and Cheese "Look Out!" T-Shirt That Was Too Hot For The Ginks at Hot Topic To Handle

See? Look at that. They obviously can take a photo of the actual t-shirt for the webstore. This proves it right before your very eyes. It also proves, once again, that Milk and Cheese rule, and those who don't wear their t-shirts drool and suck wet moose farts and y'know, some other childish things like that. I'm tired, I can't keep writing this stuff. I need a drink. Anyway, this two-sided shirt is perfect for two-sided people. Some of you bigger geek-a-nerds might have noticed it's a take on the old Marvel t-shirts where the Hulk or the Thing were on both the back and the front, saying something or other. That was okay for those kids, they didn't know the awesome yet to come. But this is better. Better for everyone. Especially better for you. Or someone like you, only with better taste,  judgment, and income. You really are pathetic.

Fun With Milk and Cheese

The apex. The apogee. The absolute. The Cadillac. The champagne. The overweight lover, Heavy D. The first and only collection of hoary old, poorly drawn, badly lettered, indefensibly stupid Milk and Cheese comics. Yeah, that one. You know it. You love it. You already have it. Your friend doesn't. Sex him or her up the Milk and Cheese way, by spending $12 at the SLG website on this classic uppercut of comedy. What? Don't like buying comics from the web? Don't want to pay for shipping? Okay, skinflint. have it your way. The cheap way. The idiot way. You could try finding it at your local comic shop. Sure. Go right ahead. But you might not like what you find. Or don't find. Run, runner! Run! Soooo-weeee! Soylent Green is made out of people! Too bad she won't live! A-ha-ahaha-ahahahahahahaha!

Milk and Cheese "Art"

According to some people, I forget who, original comic art is very popular these days with some folks who like that sort of thing. Just recently, on e-bay, a page of something or other from someplace or what have you sold for something like thirty dollars or so. I was stunned to hear this. Who knows why. I'll make a note of it and get back to you later. No, I won't. I'm not good at things like that. It's a liability, a shortcoming, you might say. I'm sorry. I'm just not a very good person. Anyway, I don't have any original comic art to sell you, but I do have some derivative drawings I did that have been published in comic books. Many of them feature Milk and Cheese, the greatest comic book characters ever created by myself for the entertainment of untold dozens of strange lonely people. We here at the H.O.F. (that means me, don't be fooled by this horseshit "we" talk) have a new list of derivative drawings for sale, only we're (I'm) too incompetent to know how to update the 'art" list on our site. Until something competent happens, I'd be more or less happy to e-mail any interested parties the current list of available H.O.F. "art". So, if you're interested in purchasing pieces of paper with marks made on them in the shape of dairy products and whatnot, find our (my) e-mail link over on the right-hand side, I think it's still there. Yeah, there it is. See? No, below that. Oh, forget it. You're hopeless. Really.

(The above image, which I call, "Vomit", portrays man's inhumanity to art. It was used for a trading card and can be yours if you are willing to spend money on it. Order now and I might even send it out to you before the Christmas fa la la la crap happens. Or those other, newer made-up superstitious/commercial holidays. Can't make Hannukah, sorry my fellow cheap jews, you blew it big-time just like Masada on that one.)

Well, that's about it for the "soft sell" approach. As opposed to the "Soft Cell" approach, which invites the obvious Tainted Love remarks. Feel free. Whatever makes you happy. Heaven knows my comics aren't doing it for you. Thats' why I'm not even mentioning them beyond the one I already mentioned. You know. Yeah, that one. The one I'm still living high on the hog off of. Yep. That's me, way up there on the pig there. That's me, waving down to you. You look so small, just like ants, I'm so way up high up here on this hog. I can barely see you. From here. Because it's high. Anyway, the rest of the catalog is all shit, so fuck it. I won't even mention Dork, or Hectic Planet, or Biff Bam Pow, or Bill and Ted, or whatever that porno book is that I did. Old news. Shadows of the past. Mere bagatelles. Whatever bagatelles are. But those are mere ones, trust me. All the crap I listed above is what you need to buy. And then the holidays are complete, and your worries are over, and a few of mine are, too. And if those chosen few you give these gifts to don't love them like baby pandas, fuck 'em, they're bums. You tried, right? Hell, we tried. And that's all we can do during this season of enforced joy and extreme social pressure. And by we, I mean you and me. Together. Like we're friends, even though I don't like you or trust you as far as I can throw up on you and some of the things you tell me in your letters really creeps me out.

Okay. Are we done now? I think so. Yeah. We are. Are you contacting SLG yet? No? What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you realize what you're doing, here?  You're not only letting me down, you're letting SLG down, even worse, you're letting the American economy down. Stop doing that! Buy this great shit, rev up that good debt America runs on! Now! Move the track ball, go clickety click and buy stuff! Operators are probably not standing by, or even there, I mean, what do you want from them, they have lives, you know, they just can't stand around waiting for you all these years.

But seriously, call now, click now, live now, love now -- and someone, someday, when you least expect it, will smile, and send you merchandise in exchange for money.

Please. Buy this stuff from us. We can't afford to warehouse it anymore, we can't pay the water bill, and the baby is crying every night for food.  I promise to never ask you again like this because writing this stupid bullshit was extremely tiring and I always fuck up the links and get mad and hit things and I hurt my pinkie and can't find the Band-aids. 

What else can I type? Good night, good luck, and happy whatever.

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